Rosemary And Thyme
Episode #1 – The Pilot

Episode 1 — The Pilot

Scene 1

(We open hearing the gentle wind on the Oklahoma prairie.

Then a guitar, a banjo, then a fiddle.

Then the voice of one who is yet to be known.)

Rosemary And Thyme

Title Song

Gabriel and The Angels

Once upon a time

A time a lot like yesterday

The good Lord took a look at the world

An’ wondered how he coulda done better

Once upon a time

A time like maybe tomorrow

The good Lord thought he oughta think twice

An’ start all over again

So turn off the clocks now

An’ give no thought about it

Pull up yer socks now 

It’s time to move on

Everything’s gonna change

Nothin’ you can do

So give it no reason or rhyme

Now it’s time to

Start up again for

The things that matter

Are the things that have no time 

For things that don’t matter

Change is the undeniable struggle

In the legendary tale of Rosemary an’ Thyme

Come on aboard

It’s kinda like a travelin’ show

Once upon a time

A time a lot like yesterday

The good Lord took a look at the world

An’ wondered how he coulda done better

An’ so the tale goes

He thought an’ thought about it

We know the Lord knows

Jus’ what to do when the

Devil is in your shoes

An’ so began

The transcendental tale of

Rosemary an’ Thyme

The trials an’ travail of

Rosemary an’ Thyme

The legendary tale of

Rosemary an’

Rosemary an’

Rosemary an’

Aaw

An’ so the tale goes

Oh it’s all about change

It’s undeniable

An’ so the tale goes

Yeah it’s all about change

It’s the legendary tale of

Rosemary an’

Rosemary an’

Rosemary an’ Thyme

An’ here’s Thyme …

Gabriel

 (continuing)

A woman. Perhaps still a girl in many ways — let’s jus’ call her God’s favorite dandelion. She meanders aimlessly through the tall Indian Grasses of the Oklahoma Plains out back a’ her mama’s barn, breathin’ the pollen like it was a delicate perfume. She’s alone in her thoughts, but on her way to her daily rendezvous with a most special friend. She emerges into a meadow of Buffalo Grass an’ yellow wild flowers, an’ waits silently, with quiet eyes, for her friend to arrive.

Scene 2

(Only the breezes and the birds are heard.)

(She talks to God – a voice in her head, male.)

Thyme

God? Are ya’ there? (No answer) Ya’ got a minute ta’ do some talkin’?

God

Howdy, Thyme. 

Thyme

Hi God.

God

Hello, again.

 Thyme

I’m one of your millions of followers.

 God

I know.

Thyme

It’s me, Thyme … you know, the one spelled T-H-Y-M-E.  As in parsley, sage, rosemary and … well, you know, Simon and Garfunkel.

 God

Yes. I know.

 Thyme

My mother gave me that dumb name cuz she liked the song. Why couldn’t she have called me Rosemary?  Every time I tell anyone my name, I have to explain that it’s not T-I-M-E.

 God

I know.

Thyme

I donno how ya’ remember me ‘mongst all them millions! You’re somethin’!

God

I know.

Thyme

Well, I guess you know everything.  After all, you’re God.

God

Yeah. I know. 

  Thyme

(Sigh.) Well, I’m back again.  I tell Josiah we have these talks an’ he says they’re a kinda prayin’.  But I jus’ like to think of ‘em as … jus’ talks.

God

It doesn’t matter what you call ‘em … as long as ya’ have ‘em.

  Thyme

Yeah, maybe you’re right.

 God

Well, of course I’m right.  I’m God.

  Thymes

(Mimicking his voice)

Yeah. I know. Ha! Gotcha!

God

Yeah, ya’ got me there.

 Thyme

Josiah says, there’s better ways of prayin’.  He says I hafta fold my hands and squeeze my eyes real shut, but I tell him that don’t work for me.  I just say, “Hi God” an’ we talk.  Josiah says, “That’s foolishness.”

God

Well, I’m not so sure about that.

 Thyme

Yeah, neither am I.  (Long pause)

God

So … what’s up?

 Thyme

Well, as usual, I gotta problem an’ maybe you can help me with it.

God

Well of course I can.  I’m God.

 Thyme

Yeah I know, that’s why I come to you.  But you must get sick of me an’ all my problems.

God

I’m God.  I don’t get sick.

Thyme

Well you know what I mean.

 God

I know.

 Thyme

I’m probably a pain in the ass.

 God

Like I said, I’m God.  I don’t have pain. I don’t even have an ass.

  Thyme

Yeah, that’s funny.

God

I’m a funny God.

 Thyme 

Yeah, a real comedian …

God

I try.

 Thyme 

Josiah says, I shouldn’t be so “glib” with you. He tells me to pray seriously.

God

Well, I don’t know about that either.

 Thyme 

So, there are some things you don’t know.

God

No, actually there are not. It’s just a figure of speech.  I know all there is to know.

 Thyme 

Yeah?

God

Yeah.

 Thyme 

Josiah says you don’t have time for “frivolities.”

God

I have all the time in the world … and then some.  And I certainly have time … for Thyme.

Thyme 

(She beams). You really like me?

God

I love you.  You’re one of my favorites.

 Thyme 

Me?  Wow.

God

I just adore you.  But, of course, everybody is my favorite.

 Thyme 

Yeah … that makes sense.  You love everybody.

God

I know. So now, what exactly is your problem?

Thyme

Well, as you know, we’s engaged, but somehow he jus’ seems unable ta’ take the next step. Every time I bring up a weddin’ time, he jus’ starts stallin’.  I’m beginnin’ ta’ wonder.

God

Wonder what?

Thyme

Well, wonder if I’m even enough woman for him. I mean, he’s got all these high falutin’ ideas ‘bout his future, an’ me … well, I’m jus’ not quite sure I fit the bill. Maybe I’m jus’ not good ‘nuff for him. 

God

I doubt that, Thyme. I think you’d be a prize catch for any man.

Thyme

Well, thank you, God, but I wish somebody could tell him that!

God

Maybe somebody will.

Thyme

Could you do that? He’d believe you! After all, he is a minister.

God

No, Thyme. That’s just not my job.

Thyme

Well who decides jus’ whose job is it?

God

I suppose that remains to be seen.

Thyme

Oh boy, for havin’ all the answers, you don’t always seem to be havin’ all the answers.

God

I work in mysterious ways.

Thyme

Well, there ya’ go again quotin’ the Bible.

God

I have a right to quote it. I wrote it. Well, some of it, anyway …

Thyme

Phew, you are a mystery.  I’ll tell ya that!

God

I know.

Thyme

There ya’ go again with the “I knows.”

God

I know.

Thyme

Frustratin’. You’re not funny ya’ know.

God

(sadly)

Yes, I know.

Thyme

(mollifying)

All right, I give up. You win. Hey, take a walk with me, God … through that meadow up yonder. It’s jus’ about my favorite place of all your creations.

God

I know.

Oh Lordy …

Just A Little Touch

(The intro music plays their walk through the meadow.)

  Large type = Sung Lyrics / Smaller Type = Spoken

Thyme

 (To God)

Jus’ look at them corn flowers. Ain’t they somethin’!  Good job, God, good job!

God

Thank you, Thyme.

Thyme 

So, here’s my problem.  Josiah says …

I’m something special

But I ain’t got no particular comfort with that

He fawns over me like I was Queen of the Nile

And though, I guess it’s sort a flatterin’

Well, it’s jus’ a little much

I ain’t even the Queen of Skedee Oklahoma

Population one thirty nine

An’ besides …

How am I ever gonna live up to that?

Queen of the Nile?

Fat chance!

I mean, that man,

My fiancée, my betrothed

Well he’s really goin’ some place in life

Or so he says

An’ I believe he could do

Jus’ ‘bout any ol’ thing he wants to in life

That’s right!

Cuz once that man sets his mind to it

Well, …

He can jus’ plain git it done!

But where do I fit into all his ambition?

I wonder …

Somehow i jus’ don’t see it.

Me?

I’m jus’ as happy as a wildflower in the sun

That’s right

I’m jus’ as happy bein’ right here where I’m at.

My Josiah,

Now he’s a wantin’ the world

But as for me,

Well I kinda feel like I already got it

I’ jus’ livin’ the life in Skedee, Oklahoma

Population one thirty nine

That’s jus’ who I am.

[4 Bars]

Nah … 

I don’t ask for much

I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch TV

I don’t … ask for much

Oh no,

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Ah Josiah Washburn

I’m thinkin’

All I want is you

All I really want is you … Baby

I don’t ask for much

I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

I don’t … ask for much

Oh no,

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Scene 3

Gabriel

We leave Thyme now and come upon … the Reverend Josiah Washburn, town carpenter an’ beloved minister. Through some form of mystical connection, he’s humming the same tune as Thyme was singing … an’ thinkin’, while he’s workin’, the same line a’ thought — almost like they was two peas from the same pod.

Scene 4

(We hear him sawing and hammering.)

Josiah (stops humming)

Now that little tune jus’ came to me from up in the holler there where the breezes are born. Like the wind slippin’ through my brain. Thank ya’ Lord… for whispering in my ear … (back to humming, then …)

 Josiah (sings softly)

Now, I don’t ask for much

I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Josiah Washburn here. An’ I’m a

“Bi-vocational Fundamentalist minister/carpenter man”

A man of the Lord

A man of the cloth

Nah, I don’t want much neither

But … but …

Jus’ a few more of the good folk

Added to my little flock

An’ while we’re at it

Some day I’m fixin’ to be an evangelist

An’ have my own tent an’ travel ‘round the county

Maybe I’ll be known as a healer man

Maybe even some day rise through the ranks

An’ become the Bishop

Of Pawnee County, Oklahoma,

Just like The Reverend Emanuel Goodspeed

Who lives up there in Cleveland —

That’s Cleveland, Oklahoma, population 3251!

No, I don’t plan on spendin’ the rest a’ my days here

In Skedee, Oklahoma,

Population one thirty-nine

No, good people, I got ambition.

That’s right, AMBITION

I’m climbin’ up that ladder!

Ambition

Why I even looked it up!

A_M_B_I_T_I_O_N,

Ambition!

All right! Lemme tell ya’ ‘bout it!

“A hankerin’ to acheive” That’s right!

Ambition

A callin’, an’ a dream, yes a mission Lord

Hallelujah!

Ambition

Someday I’m gonna wanna be somebody

An’ drive one a them Cadillac cars

Marry me the perfect woman

Sit up there on the right hand a God

Way back there among the stars

Who knows,

Aaaw, maybe even some day have a shot at goin’ on TV.

Now wouldn’t that be somethin’? 

That really would be somethin’

To be the kind of man that

I never thought I ever could be

But, no. I don’t ask for much.

I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Jus’ a little touch

(Now we crossfade back to Thyme in the music. At the same time in the crossfade Thyme sings:)

Thyme & Josiah

I don’t … ask for much

Oh no

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Thyme

Maybe jus’ the flash of a red bird

Dashing through all that blue,

Or the blur of color on a humming bird’s wing

An’ maybe to catch the sound she sing

A night of rest and a happy dream

And a cup of morning coffee 

With the sweetest cream

I don’t ask for much

No, I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Jus’ the air to breathe

In the butter fields of goldenrod

Jus’ the chance to have my talks with God

Josiah and Thyme

I don’t ask for much

No, I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Just a little touch

Just a little touch

Just a little touch

Just a little touch

Just a little touch

Thyme

Thanks for walkin’ with me, God.

God

Any time, Thyme.

Thyme

Ya’ know, I’m OK with the fact that I’m hopefully gonna be a small town preacher’s wife.  I don’t mind that. I jus’ wanna raise a family an’ die happy. I don’t need no special attention — jus’ enjoy the birds an’ take care of my husband. I love Josiah Washburn sooo much.  

God

Oh, I know. I know you do.

(Music)

Scene 5

Thyme

If it could work out, I know I’ll be marrying a good man (after all, he is a minister). My best friend Lizzie says, “beware.” But I don’t even know what I’m to beware of.  Like I said, he is a minister. So, I am jus’ gonna think more positive like.

Thyme (continues)

Yeah, I guess I’ll jus’ be trustin’ in the Lord.  Right? … right?

(No answer. She waits.)

Thyme

Yer gone, ain’t cha? (No answer) I never know when yer signin’ off. Here one minute; gone the next. Well, I ‘spose I got my answer. Think positive..

(The musical underscore and playout takes us elsewhere.)

Scene 6

Gabriel

Well now, in the way of introductions, I hear tell every town has one of ‘em — the vamp, the femme fatale, the flirt. Little ol’ Skedee is no exception. An’ so I bring you the infamous, Miss Lizzie. Ladies, lock up your husbands. Girls, do you know where your boyfriends are tonight? Take no chances. Lizzie’s on the prowl.

Scene 7

LIzzie

Lizzie Cranbottom here.  I know, I know. I am the butt of all the town jokes jus’ cuz of my name.  Embarrassing!  “Red in the face.  Red in the butt, Cranbottom!”  It’s what me an’ my best friend Thyme have in common.  Weird names.  An’ I’m a tellin’ you, it’s Thyme an’ I ‘gainst the world! She’s not my onliest friend, but she’s my best friend.  We growed up together, and we’ll probably die together here in Skedee, Oklahoma – Population 139.  Then it’ll be 137 and not one person will ever give a hoot or a flyin’ fuck whether or not we dead.  Ceptin’ maybe Josiah … maybe.

We two ladies is as different as night an’ day, but that don’t bother us none t’all.  She’s as happy as a pig in mud and me?  Well, … I jus wanna git the hell outa here. 

She’s in love with one man, an’ well I’m jus’ in love with all of ‘em.  All 37!  Uuhhh, actually that’s 36.  I wouldn’t go near ol’ Crazy Grizzly Gabe down at the Junkyard. Eeeuuuhh! Come ta’ think on it, I prob’ly oughta stay ‘way from Josiah too. Too bad too ‘cuz he’s ‘bout the bestest hunk in town. I’d be on ‘im like white on rice if it weren’t for my best friend, Thyme.  Huh! Men! If we jus’ had even one or two availables ‘round these parts — you know, good lookin’ with jus’ a few muscles in jus’ the right places. [Music] It sure would make life a lot more interestin’. Know what I mean?

(We bring a quick reprise of the opening song here.)

Just A little Touch – Reprise 1

Lizzie

Now wouldn’t that be somethin’? 

That really would be somethin’

Ta’ find the kinda man

That I always dreamed was jus’ right fer me

But, no. I don’t ask for much.

I don’t ask for much

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Jus’ a little touch

I don’t ask for much

Oh no

Jus’ a little such an’ such

Jus’ a little touch …

If ya’ know what I mean …

Not many men in this backcountry hole in the wall — mostly us women. Most of the men, well, they had the good sense to git out.  Like Thyme’s daddy.  He split when she was jus’ three and left her an’ her Ma, Ms. Maybelle, ‘lone out on the prairie there in that ol’ dump they call a farmhouse. When he left, her ol’ Ma jus’ never was the same. 

Something in her musta snapped cuz since he left, ol’ Ma, she simply gits up each morning and sets by the window watching for him to be comin’ back up that old dust road, … waitin’ for that jackass to c’mon back home. Humphf … It’ll never happen.  He gone for good.

Poor Thyme, she has to do everything for that crazy ol’ lady —  all the cookin’, the washin’ … even has to wash her own Ma.  Ha! Thyme’s Ma named her, and proudly came up with that dumbass idea. Half the time I wonder if she even knows Thyme’s her daughter. Poor soul jus’ sits by that window every day singin’ (she sings monotone) “Parsely, Sage Rosemary and Thyme” over and over to herself all day long. (We hear Mama echo …)  

Mama Singing

(We hear from a distance Mama sittin’ by the window rockin’ in her old creakin’ rocking chair and singin’ softly Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme …)

Thyme says she’s so sick of hearing that song for the past 17 years, she could spit.  But Ma, she just goes on singing. I’m tellin’ you, that girl, Thyme, SHE IS A SAINT! I don’t know how she does it. 

Now people ‘round these parts, namely Skedeeites, kinda steer clear a’ Thyme an’ her mama cuz her mama’s known as the local loony an’ prob’ly on account a’ Mama’s bein’ Afro American an’ all. So I got a real problem with them folks. Now Thyme, cuz her daddy was white, can set on either side a’ the fence. I call her ma’ “carmel girl”. Why she’s got the prettiest skin this side a’ the moon. An’ her hair ain’t curly a’tall. I would kill fer a head a’ hair like that girl has.  

(Lizzie takes a deep breath,and goes on.)

I know, I know, I talk alot, but if’n ya’ don’t mind me sayin’, I got a few problems with her “betrothed” as well.  The Reverend Josiah Washburn himself!  

Ambition – Reprise

(Dreamlike Josiah in the background)

My girl Thyme, well, ya’ know, she jus’ deserves better.  I know, I know, he’s a “Bi-vocational Fundamentalist minister/carpenter man”.

God knows we hear nuff a that every Sunday mornin’.  But what he really is, jus’ ‘tween you an’ me, that man is A STIFF!  I jus’ can’t imagine Thyme’s livin’ life with that man.  She seems ready for it, but I donno … 

And, you know, he ain’t yet set a date for the marriage?  I think he’s still testin’ her to see if she really is as pure as he hopes. Truth is, he’d be lucky to git her.  Why that girl’s as pure as the mornin’ dew … as pure as the moon in June.  I know!  Me an’ her’s best a’ friends.

I also got a suspicion that he prob’ly thinks I’m some kinda bad influence on Thyme on accounta’ she’s so pure an’ I’m so … well … you know …

Truth is, in regards to The Reverend Josiah Washburn, my friend, Thyme, she could do better. If Josiah The Pious has any brains at all, he’d better git his butt in gear and set a date.  Else he’s gonna wake up one mornin, and find out that she’s the gal that got away.  As the sayin’ goes, “Time waits … for no man.”  Know what I mean …?

             Scene 8          

(It is now late evening. We hear the sounds of night — the crickets and the cicadas all hummin’ their songs.)

Thyme

Oh Lordy, I been tryin’ to reach Lizzie all the day long an’ nothin’ but a busy signal. I donno who she’s talkin’ to, but that girl, she sure can talk a blue streak! Patience, Thyme, patience. So what if she ain’t for this marriage.  She ain’t the decider … an’ fer that matter, actually, neither is Mr. Undecided Josiah. When marryin’s right, God’ll tell us both.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love Josiah very much.  He’s a real good man. I know, right now he’s jus’ a poor preacher man with little call for his carpentry work. Nobody here’s got no money. We all jus’ the needy in Skedee. Poor man, ‘bout all he’s able to take home from his church collection plate is an occasional live chicken and, once even a chocolate donut fer god sakes. Some day God’s gonna find him a way to a larger congregation and a greater peace with his life. Maybe I can help with that too. In the meantime with the Lord on our side …

What Could Possibly Go Wrong

What could possibly go wrong?

Now I see my life before me

Like a sweet old country song

Whose melody’s like an old old friend

Whose tune jus’ puts me right where I belong

So what could …

What could …

Now what could possibly go wrong?

I am safe on the road that lies before me

An’ satisfied with the life I choose to lead

I know I ain’t nothin’ special.  I know it.

Cuz I’m plain as the plains of Oklahoma

But I already got everything I ever hoped for 

Yeah I already got everything in life I’ll ever need

Steady as a rock

That’s me!

Contented

Jus’ sailin’ along

Through thick an’ through thin

Feelin’ pretty comfortable in my skin

Miss Lizzie likes to call me Miss Headstrong …

Well maybe I am. But what of it?

I know the road I’m on.

And I’m certain of the sunrise.

So what could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

(As a tag of the song plays, she happily fades off into the distance humming the tune.)

(The song now takes us to Gabriel, the Narrator.)

Scene 9

Gabriel

Lastly, let me now introduce you to the lowest of the low. Every town has at least one of these folks. The town drunk. Meet him staggerin’ down the sidewalk an’ most people simply cross to the other side to avoid even the slightest of confrontations. Between the smell, an’ the foul language comin’ outta his mouth, well, let’s jus’ say he’s an embarrassment to all mankind.  An’ so I now present to you, with deep humiliation and even a dollop of mortification,… Me.

Me, who will perform, with great aplomb, the tragic role of Gabe, the Great Imposter, slated to change the course of our classic tale.

 (Gabriel continues, but his voice changes) 

Gabe

They call me Gabe. It’s not my real name.They think I am the night watchman at Skedee Metropolitan Junk Yard. It’s not my real job.

The 138 other citizens don’t ‘zactly take a shine to me, but I don’t much care what the Hell they think, ‘ceptin’ Josiah. Me and Josiah hit it right off which is weird considering he is Skedee’s preacher man. An’ me … well, the townsfolk call me, as I said, the town drunk an’ the town wierdo. They can call me what they want, but what they see … is not what they git. Of all them people, I relate to Josiah best. Don’t know why we clicked ceptin’ he really likes to talk, and I likes to listen. 

Scene 10

(The telephone rings … )

Lizzie

We’ll hi there, girlfriend.  How’s ya’ mama?

Thyme

Oh, Lizzie, ‘bout the same.  Still waitin’, still singin’.

Lizzie

Uh huh. An’ how you doin’?

Thyme

Oh, ‘bout the same.  Still waitin’ …

Lizzie

That man ain’t set a date yet?

Thyme

Nope.

Lizzie

Thyme, yer Mama shoulda named you Patience.  If it were me, I’d be lookin’ around for someone else by now. 

Thyme

But Lizzie, I ain’t you.  I’m me.

Lizzie

Well, sweetheart, time’s a’wastin’ … if ya’ know what I mean.

Thyme

I’m OK with the way things are right now.  When the time comes for marryin’, I’ll be OK with that too.  In the meantime, I ain’t missin’ much.  Jus’ a little such an’ such …

Lizzie

Uh huh.

(pause)

Thyme

Lizzie, … you ever missed yer period?

Lizzie

Heavens no, thank the Lord, I’ve had a few close calls, but, you know. I got pro-tection. Hey, you tellin’ me you missed yer period? You been foolin’ around on the side?

Thyme

Lizzie! You know I never been “with” a man. 

Lizzie

But yer tellin’ me you missed yer period …

Thyme

Well, … never mind.  It’s no big deal. Nothing to worry about … besides, It’s jus’ not the sort of thing to be discussed.

 Lizzie

Oh, c’mon, I’m yer best friend.  If ya’ can’t discuss it with me …

Thyme

I’m tellin’ ya’ it’s nothin’. Just a small statistic in life.

Lizzie

Maybe … maybe not … depends …

Thyme

Nothing to worry about. As I said, I ain’t never been, well you know, “with” a man. [Music] So I’ll be hangin’ up now. Have a nice day. (Click)

Lizzie

Uh huh.

You Don’t ‘Spec Me To Believe That

Lizzie (sings)

(Sigh)

Naive

Lordee that girl is so naive

Jus’ what in the world does she think I am

Stupid or somethin’?

Nothin’ to worry ‘bout, she says? Ah!

I swear

She acts as if she’s ten years old

Jus’ putin’ on airs of the innocent lamb

Girl, I ain’t no sucker

You can’t be foolin’ Lizzie Cranbottom!

You don’t ‘spec me to buy your indifference

Do you really, Girl?

No, I’m too smart for that!

You think jus’ because you wish it

That makes it true?

Lord ‘a mercy! Aww …

Now you don’t ’spec me to believe that

Do you?

Puttin’ on airs of the innocent?

Pure as the mornin’ dew?

Now you don’t really ’spec me 

To believe that

Do you?

Do you?

Do you?

Don’t make me laugh, Thyme. Who you think you talkin’ to?  Why, I’m an experienced woman … an’ you … an’ you … an’ you are

Naive

So naive

Naive

(The music fades out)

(The phone rings again.)

Lizzie

Hello, Thyme.

Thyme

Well, … I missed it again. Again!

End of Episode 1