Rosemary And Thyme

Episode #6 – Lizzie Done It

Scene 1

Gabriel

Ya’ know, those two people jus’ amaze me as humans in their capacity to live a right life. I watched ‘em. An’ forgive an’ forget, they did. I ‘spose that’s why God picked the two of ’em in the first place. They each had the capacity ta’ put their mission ahead a’ their feelin’s. Knowin’ the future as I do, one has ta’ wonder, “Would that be enough?”

For now comes upon us, the nastiest of villains.

Scene 2

Bishop Goodspeed

Excuse me sir, but you are Minister Josiah Washburn, is that correct?

Josiah

Yes sir, that’s me. How can I help you? Wait … Oh my goodness, I read your newsletters. You’re Bishop Emanual Goodspeed, ain’t cha?

Bishop Goodspeed

That is correct.

Josiah

Well, what are ya’ doin’ here in Skedee?

Bishop Goodspeed

I’m here to see you, young man.

Josiah

You came all the way over to here from Cleveland just to see me?

Bishop Goodspeed

That is correct.

Josiah

Well, I am honored, sir.

Bishop Goodspeed

And I am not. I’m here to find out just what is goin’ on here. For several months now the Board of Regents governing your church, OUR church, has been hearin’ some very disturbin’ rumors about your shenanigans concerning some pretty high falootin’ ideas about your relationship with the Lord.

Josiah

Well, … ya’ see, sir, I … I can explain that.

Bishop Goodspeed

May I remind you that you are ONE of my parish ministers with a very small following here in Skedee. Our Board of Regents over in Cleveland asked me to come here an’ set things straight an’ make sure that you an’ your new wife cease an’ desist this travesty, this vulgar scam you have very mistakenly perpetrated on your parish. Furthermore, when I arrived here this morning, I find out that your church, OUR church, has been closed now for two months and your good followers have completely deserted you.

Josiah

Well, sir, there’s a lot more to it than that. An’ if you and me could just sit together here for a spell, I think I could …

Bishop Goodspeed

Son, Just hold on here. Now, MOST disturbin’ is what I hear tell that you have claimed that you are to be the father … of the son … of God? Mercy! I am here to tell you that this fabrication is now going to stop this very moment! Do you hear me?

Josiah

Well sir, It’s not exactly that. Ya’ see …

Bishop Goodspeed

Not EXACTLY that? Your wife, I’m told, claims to be the mother of the second coming of Christ and is, in fact, now (in the third month of your marriage) 6 months pregnant! Lord, have mercy, boy!

Josiah

Yeah, well … that’s easily explained … First of all, it would not be the second comin’. It would be the third comin’. Wait a minute. Now who told you that? We haven’t told nobody!

Bishop Goodspeed

Well you must’ve told somebody! This kinda nonsense gets goin’ around pretty quick. An’ you’re sayin’ you tried to keep it a secret?

Josiah

Well, yeah. We were nervous that just this sorta thing would happen.

Bishop Goodspeed

You’re serious about this, aren’t you son? You really think your wife, a checkout girl in a grocery store, is gonna give birth to the son of God? Whadya think you’re doin’ here, boy? I’ve seen just about enough a’ your raging ego here. I’m tellin’ you, if we hear of one more peep on this out of you, we will excommunicate you from our church. You are a county-wide embarrassment to me, the Regents, and to the good name of the Lord.

Josiah

Please, Bishop, let me just explain …

Bishop Goodspeed

Son, I will do everything in my power to stop this and hush it up, but you have to sign these here Cease an’ Desist papers I brought. You got to retract all statements regarding this nonsense. Now sit down an’ start signing!

Josiah (long pause)

I can’t do that, Bishop Goodspeed. I jus’ can’t.

Bishop Goodspeed

What? Are you sayin’ you still think this is the truth?

Josiah

Yes sir. God has ordained my wife, Thyme, to be the mother of a new Christ child. Now I understand that you find this hard to believe, but I believe it is the truth … an’ nothing but the truth. Like I said, I know this is hard … Lord a mercy, Sir, it was hard for me too when I …

Bishop Goodspeed

(Interrupting, yet again)

I feel nothin’ but sorrow for you, boy. An’ by the power invested in me, I warn you. You keep this up, an’ you’re goin’ straight to Hell. I will personally see to it that you burn in fire! (cocky) Now you say you can’t?

Josiah

Yes sir. I mean, no sir. I – I – I can’t. I jus’ can’t sign them papers.

Bishop Goodspeed

Get outta my sight. You are not fit to stand in my presence. You are a minister of God … no more!

(Time passes … scene change music)

Josiah

He stripped me, Thyme. Right there in front of God an’ all those people out there, he stripped me of my life, my mission … my ambition. He took my dream an’ crumbled it in his big hands. There was nothin’ I could do, nothin’ I could say. I jus’ stood there like a fool an’ sucked it in. Then it came over me. My friend, Gabe, is the Angel Gabriel. And I am married to the mother of a new kind of child. I have a new understanding.

Ya’ know. as I stood in his presence, watching the Bishop Emmanuel Goodspeed shake his head in disgust at me, I laughed. I actually busted out laughin’.

Josiah

(continues)

Sir, there’s a bus that leaves for Cleveland in about an hour. I hope you have a quick trip home.

Scene 3

(Time passes … Music,

We hear the ring of a cell phone.)

Abigail

Hello …

Lizzie (one liner – fly in)

Howdy doo, Abigail, it’s Lizzie again. Sorry we were so rudely interrupted. As I was sayin’, I’m just a little worried ‘bout Thyme. She’s got some pretty crazy notions goin’ on in that sweet head of hers. But let’s jus’ keep this to ourselves, OK?

Abigail

OK, OK, no worries. I won’t breathe a word.

(We hear Abigail hang up and dial the number for Martha and then hear another ring of a cell phone. Martha answers.)

Jus’ What Do You Think ‘Bout That

Martha
Martha here.

Abigail
Hi Martha. Now where was I?

Martha
Oh, hi Abigail. You was tellin’ me ‘bout the latest scuttlebutt regardin’ our Preacher man an’ that little checkout girl over at the grocery.

Abigail (sings)
That’s right, Martha,
Lizzie says Thyme has jus’ gone crazy
Whatcha think ‘bout that?

Martha
Well, it’s Shocking!
Abigail
Uh huh

Martha
Tell me more!

Abigail
Well, yeah!
An’ she’s worried to death ‘bout her mental stability
Now doncha tell no one, you hear?

Martha
Mum’s the word.

This kinda thing can jus’ spread
Across this town like a wildfire
That’s right!
An’ it ain’t nobody’s bizness what we’re at
So, jus’ what do you think ‘bout that?

Martha
Good lord …well I ain’t never …

Abigail
Now Martha, ya’ better keep this information to yourself!

Martha
Well now, jus’ who am I gonna be tellin’?

(We hear the familiar beep beep of them both hanging up. We then hear Martha dialing the number for Dorothy and then hear another ring of a cell phone. Dorothy answers.)

Dorothy
Zat you, Martha? Sure took you long enough to git back to me. I been jus’ settin’ here waitin’ breathless at what’s goin’ on in our OTHERWISE peaceful little town.

Martha (sings)
That’s right, Dorothy,
Abigail says Thyme has jus’ gone loony
Whatcha think ‘bout that?

Dorothy (Gasp!)
(disgusted)
Disgraceful!

Martha
Uh huh

Dorothy
(Now suddenly thrilled at the thought, titillated)
Perfectly scandalous!

Martha
An’ she’s petrified to death ‘bout her slip slidin’ sanity
Now doncha tell no one, you hear?

Dorothy
Of course not!

This kinda rumor can spread around town
An’ before ya’ know we’re talkin’ tragedy

Dorothy
(Still titillated and licking her lips)
It’s just shameful!

An’ it ain’t nobody’s bizness what we’re at

Dorothy
That’s right. Ain’t nobody’s business!

Now, jus’ what do you think ‘bout that?

Dorothy
Well, I don’t even wanna begin to think ‘bout that! That kinda thing is nobody’s business an’ needs to be washed up under the table. Mum’s the word!

(We hear Dorothy dialing the number for Rufus and then hear another familiar ring of a cell phone. Rufus answers.)

Rufus.
Rufus!

Dorothy
Rufus! You ain’t gonna believe this. This town’s sinkin’ down the mine shaft on its way ta’ Hell. We got here the scandal of the century!

Rufus
I believe it. I believe it, Dorothy!

Dorothy (sings)
Well, That’s right, Rufus,
Martha says Thyme has now gone psycho
Whatcha think ‘bout that?
Uh huh

Rufus
I’ze jus’ horrified!

An’ they’re puttin’ her away with the rest a’ them nuts
In the nut house
Now doncha tell no one, you hear?
These kinda a facts can drive a whole town
To the unsound mind a’ the maniacal

Rufus
Oh, our poor little town …

Dorothy
An’ it ain’t nobody’s bizness where we’re at
Now, jus’ what do you think ‘bout that?

Rufus
An’ what’s this I hear about Thyme bein’ pregnant?

Dorothy
Oh my Lord, what’s next? I think we all better git on down to Abigail’s Grocerette an’ git this nasty business sorted out!

Rufus
I jus’ heard the whole town’s gatherin’ down in front a’ Jake’s Hardware!

Dorothy
Let’s us jus’ mosey on down there an’ continue this scintillatin’ conversation.

(We hear the gathering of an incensed crowd in front of Jake’s Hardware.)

Abigail (also arrives and sings)
An’ what’s this I hear about our minister?

Rufus
An’ don’t tell no one,
But there’s a rumor goin’ ‘round All Women – Ooooh
That the baby may not be by Josiah!

Martha
Well, I heard whispered
That the baby’s just a figment of her wild imagination!

Dorothy
An’ she claims to be a virgin, still!

Martha
(Gasp!)

Abigail
Well, Lordee me,
That’s one for the ages ain’t it

Rufus
Who’s she think she is? (spoken) Mother Mary?

(They all break up laughing.)

Martha
Well, I heard Thyme’s gone
An’ up an’ told her ol’ friend Lizzie
That she’s carryin’ the child a’ God!

Dorothy
Well, ain’t we all God’s Children?

All
Uh huh, yeah yeah Every one of us Every one of us

Abigail
But this one, she claims, is somethin’ special

All
Somethin’ special

Rufus
An’ what’s this I hear about Josiah sayin’ nothin’
An’ actin’ like he hidin’ ‘hind that wife a’ his?

All
Oooooh

Dorothy
Yeah, I don’t go to church no more

Rufus
Oh mercy me, mercy me.

Dorothy
Cuz there’s somethin’ not quite right up in there.

Martha
These folks actin’ kinda uppity.

Abigail
Hidin’ somethin’

Rufus
Sayin’ nothin’

Dorothy
Just who do they think they are?

Martha
Lizzie … Lizzie! Have ya’ heard? The whole town’s in an uproar!

Lizzie
What the hell is goin’ on here?

Abigail
It’s our very own Minister an’ that hussy of a checkout girl!

Lizzie
You people need to mind your own business an’ git on home!

Rufus
Now I heard tell that old ma of hers is crazy
An’ Thyme’s jus’ prob’ly caught what she got.

All
Uh humms

Abigail
Yeah I heard that too, but even worse I heard
That Thyme thinks she’s birthin’ up
A new Christ Child!

(The Entire Crowd)
(Gasp!)

Rufus
Well, that’s blasphemy!

Dorothy
That’s outrageous!

Martha
That’s a heresy, by God!!!

(Now appears out of the crowd, The Bishop Emanuel Goodspeed.)

Bishop Goodspeed
That’s a sacrilege against the church, good people!

(Gasp!) (Rufus)
Rufus
Why it’s Bishop Emanuel Goodspeed!

Abigail
Jus’ what you doin’ here?
Bishop Goodspeed
I’ve come to save this holy place
From the Washburn’s transgressions ‘gainst the Lord!

All
(Gasp!)
Dorothy
Yes. It’s a violation of the Holy Book!

Bishop Goodspeed
A defiance of the word of God!

Rufus, Martha, Abigail
It’s a sin, It’s a sin, It’s A Sin!!

Bishop Goodspeed
It’s a sin against the good name of Skedee!

All
It’s a sin, It’s a sin, It’s A Sin!!

All
(Gasp!) (Gasp!)
Oh Lord, have mercy! What’s to become of us?
Oh Lord, have mercy! What’s to become of us?
Oh Lord, have mercy! What’s to become of us?

(Direct segue)

Ride ‘Em Outta Town On A Rail

Bishop Goodspeed
So, listen up,good people
It’s time to let the truth prevail

All
In this we must not fail

Bishop Goodspeed
I beseech you, every man, woman an’ … f-f-f female

All
Oh yes the time has come

Bishop Goodspeed
An’ now we must become the law of our lands
An’ take this matter into our own hands

Abigail
Throw ‘em in jail!

Rufus
No! That ain’t good enough!! Ride ‘em outta town on a rail!

All
Yeah!!!

Bishop Goodspeed
There! Now ya’ have it! The Lord is speakin’ through ya’, sir! Why, I too can hear him like he’s standin’ right here next to me sayin’ … (sings)

Ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Don’t need to throw ‘em in jail
Don’t need to nail ‘em up or hang ‘em up
Jus’ shut ‘em up for good
Yeah, let’s ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Then, my friends, we’ll be done with ‘em

We shall rid the great name of Skedee
Of the Devil’s own
Rain down fire an’ brimstone on ‘em
An’ strip ‘em on down ta’ the bone
Then tar an’ feather ‘em
An’ say farewell
Give no mercy, but give ‘em Hell
An’ send ‘em off to the great unknown

Bishop Goodspeed
C’mon people, let’s …

All
Ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Goodbye Thyme we’ve had enough a’ you
Don’t need to nail ‘em up or hang ‘em up
Jus’ shut ‘em up for good Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah, let’s ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Goodbye Thyme an’ the rest a’ you

Jus’ ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Goodbye Thyme we’ve had enough a’ you
Jus’ ride ‘em outta town on a rail
Goodbye Thyme an’ the rest a’ you

Jus’ ride ‘em outta town on a rail!
Ride ‘em outta town on a rail

Martha
Let’s go get ‘em!

All
Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!!!