Rosemary And Thyme

Episode #15 – The Magi

Scene 1

Thyme

Oh Lizzie, doncha be tellin’ Josiah, but this baby’s just kickin’ up a storm in me. I donno much about all this, but I’m thinkin’ he’s gettin’ ready ta’ come out. I don’t think we’re gonna make it out ta’ California in time.

Lizzie

Oh boy, oh boy, we gotta get you to a hospital, and quick.

Thyme

No, Lizzie, I’ll not be birthin’ this child in no hospital. God’s gonna take care of us no matter where we are. This be a special case. I jus’ don’t trust no hospital.

Lizzie

Honey, you don’t ’spect me ta’ help you do this, do ya’? I ain’t no mid-wife, ya’ know. What if things start goin’ wrong? I wouldn’t have a clue as to what to do. An’ Josiah ain’t gonna be any help either. You’d be all alone!

Thyme

Now Lizzie, after all the miracles that’s come our way lately, how can you doubt? Don’t you see? We been watched over every step of the way. The good Lord ain’t gonna walk out on us now. Where is your faith, girl?

Lizzie

I’m jus’ scared, that’s all. I’ve seen the miracles, an’ you know I’ve come a long way in believin’ this cockamamie tale, but I’ve grown to understand that this is a huge responsibility God’s put on all our shoulders. I know we’ve somehow all been chosen to get you and the baby through this, but, for the life of me I can’t figger out what in the world my place is in all this. I mean, look at me. I ain’t got no skills. I ain’t even been your most trusted friend throughout this whole ordeal! I’m sorry, but I jus’ don’t wanna let you down again an’ I’m afraid I will.

Thyme

Lizzie, you always been my bestest friend. I jus’ need you by my side. That’s good enough for me.

Lizzie

Well, nothin’s good enough for you, Thyme. I swear, you are a saint. You deserve only the best of care … you an’ that baby.

Thyme (getting serious)

Lizzie … if I were to die givin’ birth, I would want you an’ Josiah to raise this child.

Lizzie

What? Oh Thyme, doncha be even thinkin’ somethin’ like that!

You are scarin’ me to death!

Thyme

Well, there. I gone an’ said it. It’s been on my mind an’ I jus’ had to git it out.

Lizzie

I will not listen to this talk. We need to get you some help. We gotta find someone to turn to or else we gotta get you to a hospital.

Thyme

No hospital. An’ that’s final.

Lizzie

Maria, come here.

Maria

Si, Miss Lizzie …

Lizzie

Maria, you know anything ‘bout birthin’ babies?

Maria

No, no , no. When Alejandro born, I jus’ close my eyes an’ pray he be all right. He come out real easy like.

Lizzie

We think Thyme’s baby be comin’ real soon an’ she don’t want no hospital. It might be left to us to bring this little one into the world.

Maria

Oh Lizzie, I have no experience. Only experience sheep an’ lambs.

Lizzie

What’s that ‘sposed ta’ mean?

Maria

In Honduras, Jose an’ Maria work for sheep farmer. When Lady sheep having trouble, I learn how to pull baby lambs out. Jose hold down mother, Maria pull an’ pull till baby come out.

Lizzie

Well, that’s somethin’ … not quite what I was lookin’ for, but it’s somethin’.

Thyme

Not what I was lookin’ for either! But I still think God provides. He won’t let us down. He sent us Maria to help.

Lizzie

I donno, I donno, Thyme. I think we better talk to Josiah ‘bout all this.

Scene 2

Gabriel (one liner)

Josiah, who, in case you hadn’t noticed, had recently evolved into our little band’s fearless and stalwart leader, when informed, he quickly regressed into the typical clueless father, facin’ the birth of his first child … stutterin’ like a fool …

Josiah

Oh Lordy me, wha, wha, wha, now what’re we gonna do. I … I … I… don … I… I … wha … whe … well Li … Li … Lizzie whatda we d … d… do next?

Lizzie

Easy boy! Easy … We gotta get to the nearest town. Standin’ out here in the middle of the desert ain’t no place to be givin’ birth.

Josiah

What the hell is that!

Lizzie

What?

Josiah

Up there!

Thyme

Well it looks like a parachute!

Maria

Si … man in parachute.

Josiah

Where’d he come from?

Jose

Sky.

Josiah

Well I know that, but where’s the plane?

Thyme

It looks like he’s gonna land right here on top of us!

(Now all a jumble: Look out, oh my god, move over, wha? Aaaah!)

(Whump)

Lizzie

Well wouldja lookit that. He’s a woman!

(All gasp.)

Zwei Xiang

I bring greetings from People’s Republic Of China. I am Zwei Xiang, future astronaut, on mission of mercy. Please inform of direction Sedona, Arizona.

Josiah

She speaks English! How’d you get here?

Zwei

I parachute.

Josiah

Well we know that! But from where?

Zwei

From sky.

Jose

Si … si! Sky!

Josiah

Yeah, but from what in the sky?

Zwei

That be military secret. If you ask again, I must kill you.

All

Ooooooo …

Lizzie

Ask her a different question, Josiah.

Josiah

Right. Oh yeah, why … are … you … here?

Zwei

Sedona, Arizona.

Lizzie

That’s where we need to go! Josiah, look at the sign! Sedona, 7 miles. Thataway!

Josiah

Can … you … take us … Sedona, Arizona?

Zwei

I think you take me. Go now!

Thyme

That’s a long walk. How we gonna get there?

Lizzie

I donno, but we better get goin’, cuz …

We hear the sound of an approaching motorcycle. It arrives.

I

Scene 3

Dr. Alfredo Encarnacion

I am almost here. Only 7 miles to go. Why do you all stand here? What happens here? What goes on? Are you the answer?

Josiah

The answer to what?

Alfredo

The answer to my dream, of course.

Jose

Of course? Of course?!! What you mean, “of course?”

Alfredo

I am following my dream. It has taken me here. Am I here yet?

Lizzie

Well of course you’re here. Where else would you be?

Alfredo

The sign say Sedona, Arizona. I am impelled to be in Sedona, Arizona on this date. In this desert.

Zwei

I go Sedona, Arizona. You take me there.

(She pulls a pistol and points it at Alfredo.)

Lizzie

Look out! She’s gotta gun!

Zwei

Now! Or I shoot … or take motorcycle.

Alfredo

Hey now, wait just one minute …

Josiah

People! People!! Hold on here. The real emergency is my wife here, Thyme. She’s gonna have a baby. An’ it’s comin’ out real soon. Doctor, if you’re gonna take anybody, you gotta take her!

Lizzie

No, Josiah, Maria an’ me got to go too. Otherwise who’s gonna deliver the baby?

Josiah

You’re gonna deliver the baby?! Over my dead body!

Zwei

That be correct. Perhaps I kill you now!

Josiah

Whoa, lady! Easy with that thing!

Thyme

You may NOT kill my husband!

Zwei

I will kill all, if necessary.

Maria

I have baby. Alejandro. You kill baby also?

Zwei

I … I … I …

Josiah

No m’am, I understand. You will not kill baby. You cannot do this. We all must figure out a way to go to Sedona.

Zwei

It is my duty. I must do my duty. I not want to, but I must take motorcycle. Now. Start motorcycle again.

(We hear him try to start the motor, but it will not start.)

Alfredo

It must be out of gas. It won’t start.

Zwei

You kill motor on purpose. Start now or I kill you.

Everybody Else

Oh nooo, please … please no, oh lord …

Josiah

Hold on here, everybody. Nobody has to get killed. We can work this out. Maybe if we jus’ stop an’ have a few moments of silent prayer here. The Lord will have an answer for us.

(They do. We hear prayerful mumbling in several languages.)

Zwei. (Breaking in)

So sorry. I not believe in your god. I count to 3. Start engine. One … two … three. (We hear her cock the pistol.) (2 beats of silence) (then the baby begins to cry) Oh fuck. I cannot do. I have fail mission. I am disgrace. I fail.

Thyme

No, you have not failed. You have triumphed. You have done the right thing. We will go together. We will all go together. A little child shall lead us. Let us walk in his footsteps.

(We hear the sound of a car approaching. It slows down to a stop.)

Scene 4

Dikke Matumbeh

Excuse me, people. Might this be the way to Sedona?

Josiah

Move over there, Alfredo. You’re blockin’ the sign.

Alfredo

Oh, please pardon. I did not know.

Dikke

Thank you. Please explain. Why does everyone stand here in middle of road?

Lizzie

Well that’s really a good question. An’ actually we’re not really sure. We’re jus’ tryin’ to get to Sedona ourselves.

Dikke

Why?

Josiah

Why? Well, there fella, for various reasons. It jus’ seems like that’s the place to be at this time. I’m guessin’ the good lord jus’ brought us all here for this most special occasion.

Dikke

Aaah yes! I have great understanding. I come to study this extraordinary spot on the earth where energy enters into the earth and projects out of the earth’s plane. These vortices are found at sacred sites throughout the world, but never before in recorded history has the energy become so predominant. I am here to find out why. Perhaps you all will accompany me to Sedona?

Scene 5

Gabriel

And so … after introductions were made, they all piled into the backseat of Dikke Matumbeh’s rented SUV, Thyme on Josiah’s lap, Maria on Jose’s lap, Alejandro on Maria’s lap and Zwei on the lap of Dr. Alfredo Encarnacion whom she was about to kill only moments before. Lizzie, of course, grabbing the front seat — shotgun. Motorcycle and parachute in the back.

(We hear the grunts and groans of everybody stuffing themselves into the back seat.)

Dikke

Please put your package in back there, Mr. Jose. With the rest of my equipment.

Jose

No, please. I not let go. It be my life.

Dikke

Suit yourself, but back seat very crowded.

Thyme

Aaaagggah, excuse me please, Doctor Encarnacion, but your elbow is stickin’ me in the ribs and makin’ the baby kick.

Alfredo

What baby?

Thyme

The baby in my stomach waiting to come out.

All

Oooooooo …

Jose

Please pardon kind sir. Speak name again so I learn.

Dikke

Of course. Dikke Matumbeh. D-I-k-k-e-M-a-t-u-m-b-e-h.

Lizzie

Wow, that’s a lotta letters I’m not used ta’ seein’ next to each other.

Jose (practicing)

Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh.

Everybody (joining in earnestly)

Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh.

Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh, Dikke Matumbeh.

We hear beeping noise in car interior.

Lizzie

I don’t ‘spouse ya’d mind if I jus’ call ya’ DK, would ya’?

Dikke

No, that be fine, Lizzie.

Lizzie

Hey DK, can you turn that beeping off? It’s driving me looney.

Dikke

I cannot turn off. It search for energy waves pouring from center of earth to heavens. It be why I come here from a long way. To study phenomena.

Lizzie

Well I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Dikke

Oh, I already find it. This is why it beeps. We are getting closer and closer to the edge of wave.

Lizzie

A wave out here in the middle of the desert?

Dikke

Wave of energy coming from earth core.

Lizzie

Oh yeah, well I figured that. And what happens when we get to this here wave?

Dikke

I study.

Lizzie

What will it do to us?

Dikke

I know not. It very powerful. Never before does it register even present force. Heavy with portent.

Zwei

I think this American military laser weapon. To kill satellites.

Dikke

Oh no, nothing of the kind. Positive energy … like sunbeam, moonlight, star shine. Letting us know of earth core being alive and well. It like divine light … wave of energy, you know, photons.

Lizzie

Photons? What are photons?

Dikke

Oh well, the photon is type of elementary particle. It is the quantum of the electromagnetic field including electromagnetic radiation such as light and radio waves, and the force carrier for the electromagnetic …

Lizzie (interrupting)

OK, OK, that’s enough. I get it. I get it.

Dikke

Ah yes, I am sure you do.

Lizzie

An’ what’s that thing there?

Dikke

Seismograph, or seismometer, It is instrument used to detect and record seismic waves. Seismic waves are propagating vibrations that carry energy from, in this particular case, center of Earth outward in all directions. As we get closer to vortex, it will become much more expressive. You watch.

Lizzie

I will. Yes, I might jus’ do that. An’ all that stuff in the back?

Dikke

All tools of measurement.

Lizzie

What’re ya’ gonna do with it all?

Dikke

Set it up to watch and listen.

Lizzie (proudly)

I might just apply to be your assistant now that I know all this.

(Dikke laughs a hearty laugh.)

Maria

How you feel now, Thyme?

Thyme

Eeeuuu, not so good, Maria. I think I’m getting car sick.

Dikke

You want me pull over? Stop?

Thyme

No, let’s keep goin’. We need to find a right place.

Zwei

Beeping go faster now. Getting closer to America Military installation.

Lizzie

And what if we are? What’er you gonna do? Go in there an’ shoot up the joint?

Zwei

I stealth. I here only to collect information.

Lizzie

So you’re a spy, huh?

Zwei

Correct. I spy.

Lizzie (facetious)

Wow! Do you know James Bond?

Zwei

No. Who James Bond?

Lizzie

How can you be a real spy and not know James Bond?

Zwei (hurt feelings)

I am real spy!

Josiah

Lizzie, be kind.

Lizzie

Well, she’s come all the way over here from China on a wild goose chase pointin’ her little gun at everybody …

Zwei (getting tough, interrupting)

Excuse me! What is wild goose chase?

Lizzie

Oh never mind. You’re not gonna get anywheres anyway. There is no military installation an’ no secret weapon to worry ‘bout none. It’s just a vortex. Everybody knows that.

Zwei

They do?

Josiah

Yeah, Zwei, I think she’s right. You probably are on a wild goose chase.

Zwei

Where wild goose? Very confusing. I not chase goose. You people very strange. Make me fail in mission.

Thyme

No, darlin’. You haven’t failed. You have nothing but good news to take home to China.

Alfredo

I think she is right. I think that is your answer. Nothing but good news.

Zwei

Good news? What is good news?

Josiah

The good news is that China is safe. A vortex can’t be blowin’ up no satellites.

Zwei

That be true?

All

Oh yes! Absolutely. Yeah!

Zwei

China safe?

All

Oh yes! Absolutely. Yeah!

Zwei

OK. I make report. Mission accomplish.

(Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)

Alfredo

I too have found my answer, Zwei. I was at wit’s end. I hear of new study of energy in desert of America. I come to find hope. Hope for my Bolivia.

Josiah

Well, Alfredo, you’ve come to the right place at the right time. For we are the bearers of the hope of the world.

Alfredo

Yes? How do you do that?

Josiah

You may find this hard to believe, but Thyme here is about to give birth to the son of God.

Alfredo

Is this true? You? You mean … your child is my answer? I have come all this way to sit next to that which I seek … in back seat of car?

Maria

All children be God’s children. Alejandro also.

Josiah

That is so true, Maria. Alejandro is also God’s child. These two children are the hope of the world.

Alfredo (begins to weep)

So I have found my answer already? I am not understanding, but I am feeling to believe in this … These babies … they are my hope?

Thyme

Yes, Alfredo, they are your hope. They are the future. Ah! Uh oh … oh no, Water break. I’m so sorry everybody.

Maria

You need to stop for water?

Dikke

Water bottle in the back.

Thyme

No, I think my water broke!

Lizzie

Oh no!

Josiah

Oh lord, what next? Dikke, we gotta get this lady some place where she can have this baby … an’ fast.