Rosemary And Thyme

Episode #2 – Revelation

Scene 1

Lizzie (feigned innocence)

Missed what?

Thyme

Well, you know, my period.

(The music U/S comes back)

Lizzie

You sure you ain’t been foolin’ around?

Thyme

Well not hardly. I’m engaged to be married!!

Lizzie

Well, you could be just practicin’ for your weddin’ night.

Thyme

Lizzie! Josiah expects a virgin and sure ‘nough, he’s gonna git one.

Lizzie

Yeah, but you ain’t even gonna know what to do on that weddin’ night. Cuz, Honey Buns, you are so …

Naive…

[Music Out]

Thyme

Well I’m sure Josiah’s plannin’ on showin’ me a thing or two. I ain’t gonna worry ‘bout it. I don’t expect much and he don’t seem to much care. (after all, he is a minister), and he don’t seem to be so interested in the sexual part of things anyway.

Lizzie

Well he is a man! Don’t underestimate that thing between his legs. Once that gets goin’, look out!

Thyme

I can’t believe we’re havin’ this conversation!

[Music]

Lizzie (one liner)

Well, girl, you better prepare yourself. Life’s gonna git pretty dern different … if he ever gits around to settin’ that date.

You Don’t ‘Spec Me To Believe That – Reprise 1

Lizzie (sings)

(Sigh)

Naive

Lordy ol’ girl you’re so naive

Jus’ what in the world do you think I am

Dumb as Hell?

Thyme (one liner)

Oh, I wouldn’t go that far …

Lizzie

You think jus’ because he’s a minister

He ain’t int’rested

Oh, honey Buns, he’s int’rested!

Jus’ you wait till he can get you

Under them sheets?

You’ll find an entirely different minister then!

You think he’s jus’ as innocent as you are? Hmm …

Open your eyes to the real world

Cuz Baby it’s comin’ soon

Now you don’t ’spec me to believe that

This man isn’t a man

Do you?

Do you?

Thyme (one liner)

Well, I donno. I donno …

Scene 2a

Gabriel (one liner)

An’ now I take you to a chance meetin’ between the two squabblers right on Main Street, Skedee, in front of Jake’s Hardware, right out in public.

Lizzie

Hey Preacher Man, wha’sup?

Josiah

The sky, Miss Wonderbottom, the sky!

Lizzie (at first, insulted, but then being the town flirt …)

Wonderbottom!? It’s Cranbottom to you, Sir. Oh, oh, I see … Mista Joe, you tellin’ me you like it?

Josiah (a shade embarrassed)

Now Lizzie, I was just playin with you. Nothin’ serious.

Lizzie

Yeah, you an’ all the other boys in town.

Josiah

C’mon Lizzie. Apologies offered.

Lizzie

You know, Josiah, sometimes I’m havin’ a hard time tryin’ to figure you out. Sometimes Josiah the Pious an’ other times just one of the good ol’ boys. You got a lot of sides to ya’.

Josiah

Perhaps I do, Lizzie, perhaps I do …

Lizzie

Well there ain’t no perhaps in the fact that you owe it to your betrothed to get it in gear an’ set a date! What’s goin’ on with you anyway? What you waitin’ for?

Josiah

Miss Cranbottom, that ain’t no business of yours. I’ll git to it, when I git to it.

Lizzie

Well you better “git to it” pretty soon, cuz time’s a’wastin’ an’ that’s one Pretty-Young-Thing girlfriend you got there … if’n you know what I mean.

Josiah (taken aback)

Uuuuh … You know somethin’ that I don’t know?

Lizzie

I know lotsa things that you don’t know. We girlfriends. Better be careful, ya’ hear? Time may just be … runnin’ … out!

Josiah

Huh?

Lizzie

When I was a little girl, my mama used to read me ta’ sleep each night from the wisdom of Dr. Seuss. My favorite went like this:

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late … so soon?” You know what, Josiah?

What If Time Has Come And Gone

[Music]

(She sings)

Time will pass

That’s for sure

An’ jus’ where does that leave you

Outta time

Think about it, Josiah. Think about it.

Never put off till tomorrow

What you can do today

Cuz time is like a River

Ever on its way

No sooner is it here

An’ then it’s gone

You have no time

To take your time

Cuz time stops for no one

Just as it’s begun

It comes undone

A strange phenomenon, this time

Do ya’ wanna gamble your life upon time

Time is a’wastin’

An’ it marches on

So what if time has come an’ gone

Mister preacher man

What if time has come an’ gone

What would you do then?

Scene 2b

Josiah (stunned)

Huh?

Lizzie

Mr. Ben Franklin said, “Lost time is never found again. You may delay, but time will not.” An’ somebody else I once heard said, “There are no secrets that time does not reveal.” So, yeah, I know lotsa things that you don’t know. Better be careful, Mr. Josiah Washburn.

Gabriel (one liner)

An’ the plot thickens …

Scene 3

(Thyme, on the phone)

Thyme

(in a slight panic)

Well now, I missed my period again. I’m tellin’ you Lizzie, third time’s a charm, but this ain’t so charmin’. I’d like to know what’s goin’ on here. You think this means I am barren? What kinda wife will I be if my reproductive organs are on the fritz? Oh Lordy me! I never … I jus’ got to hang up now cuz … No, I’m sorry, Lizzie, but I think I better go an’ have a talk with God.

(She hangs up.)

Scene 4

(Talk with God music. We also hear the wind of the Oklahoma Plain.)

Thyme

God? God? God! Here I am. It’s Thyme.

God (voice over)

Time for what?

Thyme (finally getting the joke)

Oh right. Always the comedian.

God

I try.

Thyme

This time I gotta be serious.

God

I thought we decided that was not necessary.

Thyme

Well, this time it is necessary. I missed my period.

God

I know.

Thyme

Three times! Three months!!

God

I know.

Thyme

How can this be? I’ve never been with a man.

God

I know.

Thyme

Stop saying that! How could you let this happen?

God

Time will tell.

Thyme

What? Time will tell? What’s that mean? Is that some sort of joke? Are you playing with me?

God

You’ll have to speak to my assistant.

Thyme

What? What assistant?

God

I’ll send you a message.

Thyme

I don’t understand.

God

Take my word for it.

Thyme

An’ why should I?

God

Because I’m God and my word is the word of God.

Thyme

I don’t get it.

God

I’ll send my messenger.

Thyme

Your messenger?

God

An angel. I’ll send an angel.

Thyme

Why?

God

Well, that’s just the way I’ve always done it.

Thyme

This makes no sense at all.

God

I know. Be patient, Thyme. All will work out.

Thyme

But …

(God begins to fade away)

Thyme

W … Wwa … Wait … don’t go … (Sigh). There ya’ go again …

(But He does. Blackout)

Thyme (one liner)

Lizzie!

Scene 5a

So What Do I Do Now?

Thyme

I’ve tried and tried to figure this whole thing out

An’ I got no help from nobody!

An’ so I went to the Lord, with a lot of faith

An’ I admit, a morsel or two of doubt

I mean like He was the only one left!

I talked to him, He talked to me

I asked him, “Lord, how could this be?

I’ve never known a man.”

He say, “Thyme, I understand.

Don’t worry none.

Jus’ know this one thing an’ know it well

Time will tell.”

Jus’ what I needed. Another one a’ His esoteric answers …

[3 Bar Interlude]

Now what pray tell is that ‘sposed to mean?

Sometimes I jus’ can’t / figure the ol’ guy out.

An’ so I come to you with little faith

A little faith an’ a big ol’ bunch a doubt

You must think I’m a little bit dizzy, Lizzie

But Baby I don’t got no clue what to do

I gotta admit I’m jus’ stumped!

You might say I’m just in a tizzy, Lizzie

But I got no one to turn to, but you

So what do I do now?

What do ya’ do when things go wrong

An’ the Lord don’t seem to listen?

Lizzie

I ‘spose you wait.

Thyme

Oh, c’mon, really?

Lizzie

Don’t the Bible say, “Wait upon the Lord?”

Maybe He’s jus’ busy with somebody else’s troubles

Shore up your faith, girl

He’ll get ‘round to it

Don’t you always tell me He always does?

Yeah, I ‘spose you wait

You jus’ “Wait upon the Lord.”

So whaddya do when things go wrong, Girl

You wait!

Scene 5b

Thyme

I wait.

Lizzie

You got the right idea. Let the Lord point you the way. So now, what’s God’s assistant look like?

Thyme

Well, an angel, of course.

Lizzie

You mean them things with wings?

Thyme

That’s what I asked him. He said, “Naw, that’s just a rumor. They don’t need wings to fly.” My goodness, Lizzie, I get to meet an angel?

Lizzie

Lordy be, Thyme. What you been smokin’?

Thyme

Doncha see? God’s gonna send me a messenger!!

Lizzie

Thyme, baby … you need to just calm down here, an’ get your feet back on the planet.

Thyme

No Lizzie, it’s true! That’s what He told me. It’s the word a’ God! I heard it. He gave me the word!

Lizzie

(In total disbelief)

An’ what word is that?

Thyme

Why, … I don’t know. I … I just have to be patient an’ wait for it, I guess …

Lizzie (sarcastic)

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you just let me know now when that word is revealed.

Thyme (totally genuine)

Lizzie, God’s got plans for me. What could possibly go wrong? You’ll be the first to know. That’s a promise. Oh nooo … I jus’ realized. Now I gotta go an’ tell Josiah ‘bout this. Oh Lordy, What am I gonna tell him?

Scene 6

Gabriel

Well, so she went on over to the church carryin’ nothin’ but dread in her bones … but he wasn’t there. So she headed on over to the junkyard ta’ see if he was hangin’ with his pal, Gabe. But he wasn’t there either an’ Gabe, our infamous night watchman, since it was night, was sound asleep there on the back of an ol’ rusted out pickup truck.

(Now we hear the Junkyard music theme.)

Gabe

So, there I was, sound asleep, thinkin’ it was the middle of the day, sleepin’ off a bender. Unfortunately, I had the evidence of my debaucherie layin’ all around me — two empty wine bottles, a sixpack a’ Schlitz empty an’ forgotten, an’ a half empty bottle a’ Jack Daniels close to ma’ pillow an’ within reach. (Ya’ see, I got to appear authentic to folks, playin’ this here human bein’.) As I recall, I was in the midst of dreamin’ a most fascinatin’ dream involvin’ some fairies and a watermelon when Thyme came on the scene lookin’ fer Josiah regardin’ somethin’ most urgent.

Scene 7a

Thyme

(Excited, but sensitive to his sleeping)

Gabe … Gabe … Wake up. Good lord, Gabe! Is this where you sleep at night? On top a’ all these whiskey bottles? An’ ain’t ya’ ‘spose ta’ be watchin’? An’ doncha got no light ‘round here? Everything is jus’ as black as pitch. No wonder half the town’s scared ta’ death ta’ come down here. I thought you were the night watchman here. (Real loud now) Ya’ ain’t doin’ much watchin’ — drunk an’ sound asleep! (He stirs) Gabe! I’m sorry, Gabe. Sorry to wake you, but I been lookin’ everywhere for Josiah. You seen him? Gabe wake up!

Gabe (very groggy)

Can’t you see I’m on a bender, woman? I can’t talk to you now. Go away.

Thyme

Gabe, I just need to know if you seen Josiah.

Gabe (still very groggy)

What you need him for?

Thyme

I just gotta tell him somethin’ … somethin’ so amazing!

Gabe

Naw, he ain’t been around. Check over to the church.

Thyme

I already did. He ain’t there. I gotta find him. I’ve been given the word of God!

Gabe (groggy still)

What?

Thyme

I’ve been given the word of God!

Gabe (groggy even still)

Naw, that ain’t supposed to happen ‘til tomorrow.

Thyme

What?

Gabe

Lemme go back to sleep. Please … (begins to pass out) Uuuuuuhhhh…

Thyme

What ain’t supposed happen till tomorrow? Gabe! Gabe!!

Gabe

(mumbling)

I gotta give you the message.

Thyme

What message? What are you talkin’ about? Gabe, wake up. Gabe! How do you know about a message? Gabe!

(She shakes him to no avail, but then picks up a half filled whiskey bottle and pours it over his head.)

(She continues)

OK. here ya’ go … a little hair a’ the dog …

(This seems to do the trick.)

Gabe

What? What the hell … Ooohh, did ja hafta do that? (sits up) Ya’ spilled that good whiskey all over the place. It ain’t time, Thyme! God said to wait ‘til tomorrow.

Thyme

What? How do you know about this? You been talkin’ to Lizzie, ain’t ya’? That rat! You been talkin’ to Lizzie! Gabe!

Gabe (serious now)

No I ain’t, Thyme. An’ my name’s not Gabe, well, it’s Gabe for short, but my real name is … Gabriel. An’ I’m an angel.

Thyme

Yeah, Gabe. An’ I’m Lady Gaga. Now who told you ’bout my messenger?

Gabe

I am your messenger, Child. An’ you are jumpin’ the gun. You’re gonna get me in big trouble with the man upstairs.

Thyme

Gabe, I don’t know how you expect me to believe …

Gabe (interrupting)

Thyme, I may not look it, but I am Gabriel, an’ if you want me to get out my trumpet and play you a few bars, I will. BUT NOT UNTIL TOMORROW! (lying back down) What time is it anyway?

Thyme

(looks at her watch)

Well Mister so called Gabriel, it’s uh … I can barely see ma’ watch, it’s so dern dark, uh … it’s three minutes to midnight. So tomorrow is just three minutes from now!

Gabe

Oh lord, woman, then wake me in three minutes.

Thyme

Actually, I always keep my watch five minutes fast, so it’s already tomorrow! Now where’s the messenger?

Gabe

Oh all right … Lord a’ mercy! Hrrrumff

Here goes!

(Now Gabe seems to transform and become different — taking on a sense of nobility, a somewhat different character — subtle at first, but then, definite.)

Scene 7b

[Music]

I Am The Messenger

Gabriel

I am the messenger.

I am Gabriel, and stand in the presence of God;

And I am sent to speak unto thee,

I am sent to speak unto thee, Thyme

And to show you these glad tidings

Sent by the Lord for I am the messenger

For I am the Messenger

Praise the Lord! An’ you Thyme, you Thyme

And you, my child, highly favored,

Highly favored!

The Lord is with thee:

God be takin’ a shine to ya’, child~

Blessed art thou among women.

Thyme

What?

Gabriel

Fear not, Thyme: for thou hast found great favor with God.

Behold, you shall bring forth a son.

A son, think of it, a son!

And he shall be called the Son of the Highest:

The child of God!

His kingdom shall never end

His kingdom shall never end

You are the propagation of the lord!

And you, Thyme

Your new life’s just begun

Yes, I am the messenger …

Yes, I am the messenger

Scene 7c

Gabe

And so … you see …? Now do you believe? Thyme? Thyme! Well, jus’ don’t stand there, girl. Say somethin’!

(He softens.)

Thyme? … Hey, you all right? Thyme … look at me, child. Thyme?

Gabriel

She jus’ stood there all humped over like a little ol’ lady … she never once said a word … jus’ starin’ inta the palm a’ her hand … with a terror in her eyes that I can’t even begin ta’ describe. I reached out ta’ her ta’ maybe take her by the shoulders ta’ help her sit down, but she twisted away from me like a trapped wild animal an’ a sound come pourin’ outta her like I’ll never forget.

Thyme

Mmmmmmeeeeoooooaaah …

Gabriel

Then, still starin’ inta the palm a’ her hand, she brought the hand to her mouth an’ pressed it to her lips an’ I could see right there that she wasn’t starin’ inta her hand, but starin’ on past it deep inta some other world. She became a stone. Comatose like…

Gabe

Oh Thyme, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I gone too far. I don’t mean ta’ scare ya. I fergit how sensitive you are. C’mon now. Let me take ya’ home.

Gabriel

Somehow I got her home. It weren’t easy. She never took her hand from her mouth. She never spoke another word … the whole night … she jus’ sat there on that kitchen chair a’ hers … lost out in space somewhere. It came ta’ me she was jus’ like her mama. An’ I thought, Oh my God, what have I done?

But the next mornin’, as I watched over her, she suddenly stood up straight an’ announced, “I’ll be goin’ now. Gotta get ta’ work. Ain’t no reason for ya’ ta’ be here now Gabe, go on home now an’ get some sleep.” With that, she walked out the back door, got in her car an’ drove off to the grocery store.