Rosemary And Thyme
Episode #5 – Water Into Wine
(Time passes … Scene change music)
Scene 1
Zwei Xiang
I am Major Zwei Xiang, Chinese astronaut and loyal member of the Communist Party of China. I graduate from PLA Air Force Aviation University in Changchun and join PLA Air Force in 2013 and now holding PLAAF rank of major.
Gabriel
Excuse me, Major, but …
Zwei
(She pays him no attention, but plows on.)
I am veteran pilot with 1,680 hours of flying experience and qualify to fly Chengdu J-20 Stealth Fighter. I am first woman to be so honored … I also will be first woman of Earth to walk on moon. I dedicate my life to “People’s Republic of China”.
Gabriel
(Further discombobulation)
Uuhhh, excuse me? Miss? Uh, Major, Sir …uh? Where’d she go? (calls out) You folks is in the wrong play. Now I kindheartedly allowed the last one a’ these glitches ta’ play out, but don’t press yer luck here, Lady! (to himself) I gotta take a note on this. Now where’s my iPad? (can’t find it) Oh Lord … I must remember ta’ talk ta’ God ‘bout this. This don’t make no sense. (To audience) My apologies, people …
Gabriel
So now, back to ma’ story. Any way … Here’s one for ya’ that’s bound to tickle yer imagination. T’other day ma’ friend, Josiah, approached Gabe with his usual provocation.
Scene 2
(Music U/S takes us to “T’other day.”)
Josiah
Gabe! I was jus’ doin’ some wonderin’. How can you be an Angel and also be drunk all day? That don’t make no sense.
Gabe
Well, ain’t that jus’ the point. Ya’ see, when I’m workin’ undercover an’ sleuthin’, I don’t much need peoples to be pesterin’ me for favors an’ autographs an’ such. I got a job ta’ do. I manage a team a’ angels who are always at ma’ beck an’ call fer whatever it is I need ‘em fer. Fer instance, If I’m doin’ one a’ my trumpet concerts, they can be the orchestra, if it’s some sorta natural disaster emergency, then they can hold back the winds, an’ if a car accident requires a mother to lift the car offa her child, they gather ‘round and join in on the liftin’.
Josiah
An’ how many you got on this angel team a’ yours?
Gabe
Oh, I’d say ‘bout ummm, uh … seventy thousand er so. Depends.
Josiah
Seventy thousand?! Depends? Depends on what?
Gabe
Well, depends on what’s needed. Sometimes I can do it all by myself. Sometimes I need all seventy thousand.
Josiah
You have special skills?
Gabe
More than you can imagine.
Josiah
Like what?
Gabe
Well, let’s see… uh, …well, I can play ma’ trumpet and sing all at the same time.
Josiah
I’d like ta’ hear ya’ do that, Gabe.
Gabe
An’ if ya’ like, I can even throw on a few harmonies as well.
Josiah
All at the same time, huh? Sweet! I’d really like ta’ hear that!
Gabe
Well, OK. Whaddya want me ta’ sing?
Josiah
You mean right now?
Gabe
Sure. Why not? No time like the present … Uh, let’s see, uh … How ‘bout this song? Hmmm, mememe …
(sings)
What a friend I have in Jesus
Josiah
Well now, that’s a nice choice!
Gabe
Yeah, so now listen ta’ this. Here goes …
(Now he adds the first harmony and sings them both together.)
What a friend I have in Jesus
Josiah
How’d you do that?!
Gabe
Jus’ comes natural, ma’ boy. Jus’ comes natural. Now, check this out!
(Now he adds a 3rd part to the first two and we also hear a harmonica line.)
What a friend I have in Jesus
Heh. Thought I’d throw a little harmonica on there too …
Josiah
That’s amazin’ Gabe! Truly amazin’!
Gabe
Yeah, I thought you’d appreciate that. Think I got me some talent?
Scene 3
(Scene change music cross fades with the funky sounds of an old pump organ playing the end of a Hymn.)
Gabriel
Anyways, we take you now to the humble church of the Reverend Josiah Washburn, Sunday Mornin’, the reverend himself presidin’. Sadly, the church, normally full a’ the good people of Skedee, is now empty ‘cept for the likes a’ me, Thyme an’ Thyme’s Mama, Maybelle Quinn, who has played the ol’ pump organ now fer some thirty years an’ led the singin’ — an’ who I likes ta’ call “Monotone Mama”, for she was never blessed with the musicality of her daughter.
Scene 4
Thyme
Well Mama, that was some mighty purty singin’ you jus’ did. Now, you jus’ got to git them notes to move up an’ down.
Josiah
(Reading from the Bible)
Excuse me. My readings today are from the Bible. “As it is written in the prophets, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. The voice of one crying in the wilderness …” (He stops reading and looks around the empty church.) Where is my flock? Where are my people?
Gabe
No one came, Pastor. The word is out. It appears the people of Skedee have spoken. I’m afraid we have created a path that no one can follow.
Thyme
And why would that possibly surprise us around these parts?
Josiah
(Quoting scripture)
(Mark 9:24) “And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”
Gabe
We never promised this would be easy.
Thyme
You’re right. I hear nothing but hissy whispers at work. Even my best friend, Lizzie, will not speak to me, will not return my calls, cannot even look me in the eye.
Mama
Lizzie? Lizzie Cranbottom … I remember her. Such a cute little girl.
Thyme
Why Mama, you spoke!
Josiah
Wonder of wonders!
Gabe
She spoke!
Gabriel
We all gasped an’ looked at Mama, astonished, as if she had never uttered a word before this moment — which, of course, she hadn’t.
Thyme
Yes, Mama, that was Lizzie … a long time ago.
Mama
I remember …
Gabe
Amazin’ …
Josiah
Excuse me, but we’re gittin’ off the point here. Church is in session. Please tell me how can we possibly convince these dear people of the truth?
Thyme
I jus’ don’t see it happenin’, Josiah. It’s too big a stretch. If I can’t convince Lizzie, how am I ever gonna convince Frank Parkins, an’ Abigail, or Hector Mosher?
Josiah
You’re right, Thyme. It’s just an’ awful big stretch for ‘em.
Mama
(with practical sincerity)
We all crazy, ain’t we?
Thyme
(with a smile of understanding)
Yeah, Mama, we all crazy.
(All have a good chuckle over this including Mama, who chuckles on a smidgen too long.)
(A moment or two of sighs and quiet contemplation by all.)
Josiah
Hmmm … Well, since nobody done come to church this Sunday mornin’, how ‘bout a weddin’?
Mama
That would be right nice. Who’s to marry?
Josiah
Well, … Thyme an’ me, Mama.
Thyme
Oh Josiah!
Mama
Oh?
Josiah
We have been engaged, ya’ know …
Mama
Well, that’s nice.
Thyme
Are you sure about this, Josiah?
Josiah
Never been more certain.
Thyme
But who’s gonna marry us?
Josiah
Good question. Hey, Gabe here’s an Angel of God. Maybe he can marry us.
Gabe
No, nah, nah …I can do many things, but I’m not ordained to do that. That’s a human thing. You’ll have to marry yourselves.
Mama
Well, that would be real nice.
Thyme
Can you actually do that? Would that be legal an’ all?
Josiah
I don’t see why not.
Mama
I don’t either.
Scene 5
(Time passes … Music U/S)
Gabriel
And so, Josiah married Thyme … and Josiah … right there on the spot.
I donno why, but I always cry at weddings, but I got to be best man, well, best Angel anyways, an’ Mama provided the music and the wedding march with her sad, but golden tones pouring forth.
(The music starts with the opening bars of an unusual “Here Comes The Bride” wedding song, during which Gabriel, who always cries at weddings breaks down sobbing once again … but then the music changes to … )
Scene 6a
Time Has Passed Me By
Mama
(Mama continues to sing in monotone, but the chords to the one note singing are actually quite sophisticated and make the monotone work wondrously.)
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me up here in mid air
Remember me in all my despair
Remember me in my underwear
He never was a true love of mine
My little girl all grown up an’ leaving me
So soon, it seems like yesterday
I held her in my arms
Thyme
Oh Mama, I’m right here. I ain’t goin’ anywhere. I’m jus’ gettin’ married.
Mama
Go on now an’ live your own life
No matter what, jus’ know when you’re leaving me
I’ll still be here like yesterday
Though time has passed me by
Oh my little bitterweed
My little love seed
Where did He go?
Do you know?
Do I need to remain at my window?
Do I wait for you both at my window?
Counting the hours to long ago
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me up here in mid air
Remember me in all my despair
Remember me in my underwear
Thyme
Mama, I’m tellin’ you, I ain’t goin’ anywhere. I’ll be with you to the end of your days. That’s a promise. That is a promise …
Mama
Parsley sage Rosemary and Thyme
The road was his, but you are mine
Aw, what’s the point?
So go on now an’ live your own life
No matter what, I know you be leaving me
I’ll still be here like yesterday
Though time has passed me by
Though time has passed me by
Scene 6b
Thyme
Oh Mama … Mama … Mama, Mama … I could never leave you.
Mama
Ya’ know, Thyme, the Lord, He jus’ passed me by. Why? One day He jus’ up an’ left. Why? An’ now He’s gone an’ put that little baby in you. Why?
Thyme
Mama, the Lord, He moves in mysterious ways. But ain’t you confusin’ the Lord here with Daddy? It was Daddy who left, not the Lord.
Mama
No, Thyme, your Daddy didn’t leave me. Fact is, I got rid a’ the skunk. Let’s face it. Your Daddy was a no good. He didn’t live an honest day in his life! It was the Lord I lost. Not your Daddy. I was waitin’ for the Lord to come back to me setting’ at that window. Had yer Daddy come back up that road, I’d a’ got grampa’s ol’ shotgun out an’ shot his nuts off.
Thyme
Well I’ll be …
(music u/s)
Scene 6c
Music U/S
Gabriel
At that point in time, Mama did the strangest thing. Slowly, she jus’ got up outta her chair and went to Thyme and knelt down an’ put ‘er ol’ ear ta’ Thyme’s tummy. A hush went over the all of us as we let Mama listen. Thyme jus’ sat very still an’ petted down Mama’s hair. Then Mama whispered to the unborn baby,
Mama
“I know you’re in there. An’ I know who you are. That’s right, I know who you are … you can’t be a’foolin’ Mama.”
Gabriel
As far as I know, Mama never said another word. But Thyme, as we shall see, was true to her word. Our weddin’ scene closed with these immortal words,
Josiah
I now declare us man an’ wife. I may now kiss the bride.
Gabriel
And smooch they did.
(We hear a nice long kiss.)
Mama
Oh my … that was a hot one.
Gabriel
Months went by and the happy couple began to settle into their new lives. Josiah moved in with Thyme an’ Mama an’ they all set out livin’ happily ever after. But we all know, there was always trouble bubblin’ under the surface. Josiah warned them both … repeatedly.
(Time passes … scene change music — at the dinner table.)
Josiah
Mama, pass the salt please. Thank you. Now remember, we must never tell anyone whose child Thyme is carrying.
Mama
Yes. Shhhh …
Thyme
I don’t think Mama’s gonna be tellin’ anybody, Josiah. Nobody gonna believe her anyway.
Mama
(Speaks loud and proud.)
Got the Christ child in yer belly, ain’t cha?
Both Thyme and Josiah
Shhhhh!
Mama
Oh, Shhhh … Now doncha be tellin’ nobody, Josiah!
Josiah
No Mama, we ain’t gonna tell nobody.
Mama
You think maybe that baby come out tomorrow?
Thyme
No, Mama, I gotta wait 2 or 3 more months …
Mama
Well, God sure be takin’ his sweet-ass time about it …
Scene 7
(Time passes … scene change music)
Gabriel
Well, I guess I was wrong ‘bout her never sayin’ another word. Somehow the dam broke an’ Mama began talkin’ … after 17 years. Though she was still a bit confused ‘bout what was what. Why, one night, well actually more like 3 in the mornin’, in the dark a’ night, Thyme was rudely awakened.
Thyme
(wakin’ up from sleep)
Mmmmm, Mama! What are you doin’. Go back to your own bed!
Mama
Well, at least I oughta be able to sleep with my own husband!
Thyme
He’s not your husband, Mama, he’s my husband. Now get your hands off him. An’ git back to bed.
Josiah (groggily)
Good Lord. This is the third time this week! Mama, you can’t do that.
Mama
Well, I donno why, ya’ always liked it before.
Thyme
Mama! Get yourself back to bed!
Gabriel
Things would never be the same again in the Washburn residence. In fact, things would never be the same in Skedee neither. There’s no such thing as a secret in a small town.
Scene 8
(Time passes … scene change music)
(We hear a crowd of people talking and then settling down to a quiet)
Dikke Matumbeh
Ahh, good afternoon. I am Professor Dikke Matumbeh. I most heartily welcome you all to our Friday symposium on the Seven Most Powerful Vortices of …
Gabriel (interrupting)
Now y’all wait jus’ a moment here. Jus’ who the hell ‘re you an’ what ‘er ya’ doin’ here?
Dikke Matumbeh
I am a Nigerian physicist specializing in environmental geophysics here in Ogun State. I received my Masters here in Nigeria at Mountain Top University and my doctorate at MIT in Boston, USA. In case you may be wondering, a geophysicist is one who explores and exploits the subsurface of the earth for the benefit of mankind … for the benefit of mankind. That means that I am not a wealthy man.
Gabriel
Uh huh … Well, I wasn’t …
Dikke Matumbeh (interrupts)
However, what I lack in assets, I make up for in immense curiosity. My primary interest in our Planet Earth is in its vortices.
Gabriel
I’m sorry, Sir, but you’re just in the wrong stor…
Dikke Matumbeh (interrupts)
Now if you will just take your seat with the rest of the class, I will continue. We only have an hour here. Thank you. A vortex is believed to be an extraordinary spot on the earth where energy is either entering into the earth or projecting out of the earth’s plane. Vortices are found at sacred sites throughout the world — the Great Pyramid in Egypt, Machu Picchu in Peru, Stonehenge, Sedona, Arizona. Do I still have your attention, Sir? Perhaps not. I am familiar with the often wandering focus of my students …
Gabriel
(Interrupting)
Now wait jus’ a minute here. You folks can’t jus’ come bargin’
in here interruptin’ ma’ story whenever you feel like it. What chu got ta’ say fer yourself? Well, answer me!! This is my story, you hear? (No answer) Now where’d he go? Rude! An’ downright impertinent! I swear, this here job’s hard enough! I shouldn’t have ta’ put up with all these impertinencies. Lord a’ mercy! This jus’ don’t make no sense. An’ this here foolishness has jus’ got to stop! I’m gonna go talk ta’ God about this. In the meantime, I’m gonna let Gabe finish the story. Take it away, Mr. Junkyard …
(Giving up, he continues with his story.)
Gabe
(now pissed)
Uh, like I was sayin’ before we was so rudely interrupted , “There’s no such thing as a secret in a small town.” Tsk, tsk, tsk, I’d like to say here ‘n now before things turn really sour, that my fellow townsfolk oughta be ashamed of themselves for their behavior. I would apologize for them, but havin’ a’ inkling, of what is about to happen, I’d like to remove myself from their very presence. I’d like to, mind you, but I ‘spose I can’t, me bein’ one of the most important linchpins of our story. Anyways, let the trouble begin …
Scene 9a
Thyme (monologue)
(Crying)
Josiah, they spit on me. I walked in to Abigail’s Grocerette to pick up my paycheck, an’ there were 3 hissin’ women at the counter carryin’ on ‘bout me the minute I walked in. I shoulda just turned an’ walked right back out, but I decided that gettin’ my paycheck was more important. When I asked for it, Abigail said first, “You don’t work here no more, Thyme. Go work somewhere else.” I said, “Well now, Abigail, you know as well as I do, there’s no somewhere else I can work in this little town. I’m the best checker you got!” At that, they all jus’ started spittin’ an’ sayin’ the nastiest unrepeatable things to me. I jus’ turned an’ ran out the door. I hit the street an’ heard my ol’ friend Abigail laughing at me. Then she yelled, “Hey, you want your paycheck, Thyme? It’s your last one!” I jus’ kept on runnin’.
Scene 9b
Up tempo song of encouragement
Who Ya’ Gonna Turn To
Josiah
Aw, Ma’ sweet darlin’ lemon Thyme, I’m so sorry they put you through that. Shame on ‘em all fer treatin’ you that way. You gots to leave that all behind. The entire moment ain’t worth the time ya’ give it. Gotta jus’ move on, darlin’. Forgive an’ forget.
Thyme
The forgettin’ part is a whole lot easier than the forgivin’ part, but, yer right, I know, yer right. I can forget ‘em, but at the moment, the forgivin’ part ain’t so easy.
Josiah
Well, ol’ girl, what ya’ jus’ said gits me ta’ thinkin’ on that famous ol’ hymn from ma’ childhood. Goes somethin’ like this …
Josiah (continues)
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Whatcha gonna do
It don’t matter who makes ya’ blue
Who drives ya’ cuckoo
Who’s goin’ lulu
Who turns the screw
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Whatcha gonna do
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Who can see ya’ through
Who can really help an’ who jus’ makes do
Who’s jus’ some yahoo
Puttin’ on the hoodoo
An’ who’s tried an’ true
When life don’t seem ta’ turn you on, Thyme
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Whatcha gonna do
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
Thyme
Well, that’s why I come to you, Josiah! God knows Lizzie’s not much help these days. I swear, I donno where she be standin’ in all this. An’ that Abigail … I thought she was my friend!
Josiah
You’re bein’ tried
Sure as sin
An’ I must confide
It’s the very same state I’m in
Nobody dares ta’ look me in the eye anymore
Why, when I walk into a room
Things git quiet as a tomb
An’ ever’body there
Jus’ starts lookin’ at the floor
As if there’s somethin’ there
They needed to explore
Offhand I’d say they’s tryin’ to ignore
The very thought of me
So who ya’ gonna turn to
It can’t be me
We two fallin’ from the same ol’ tree
Ever’body thinkin’ we both kinda odd
Ain’t nobody left ta’ turn to
I been searchin’ high Heaven ta’ find me one friend
An’ there’s nobody left but God
Thyme
Well now, Mr. Preacher Man, seems like that ain’t so bad, is it?
Josiah
Well, my little darlin’, I’m ‘a thinkin’ you jus’ got the point now, … didn’t ya’?
Thyme
Oh … Well now, ya’ got me there, Josiah. You’re a clever man, I ‘spect.
Both
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Whatcha gonna do
It don’t matter who makes ya’ blue
Who drives ya’ cuckoo
Who’s goin’ lulu
An’ Who turns the screw
Who ya’ gonna turn to
Whatcha gonna do
When life jus’ seems ta’ turn on you
Josiah
Jus’ smile an’ laugh an’
Praise the Lord!
Thyme
An’ bid your troubles adieu
Both
Who ya’ gonna turn to?
(The song ends on a note of finality.)
Scene 9d
Thyme
Now Mr. Preacherman, I don’t know what church you belonged to when you was a youngin’, but that ain’t no hymn.
Josiah
Well now Thyme, you are most prescient. I’ll hafta admit. I jus’ made it up.
Thyme
Right so … Well it looks to be a nice day, don’t it?
Josiah
I donno. Ya’ think so? Might rain …
Thyme
Nah, the sun be shinin’ on down. Let’s us go take us a walk in the meadow!
(Instrumental of Who Ya’ Gonna Turn To plays out the scene and episode)
